Two would-be armed robbers are recovering in hospital tonight after attempting what they called an “expropriation” of a local 7/11 store.

Jasper Hart-Holmes, aged 29, and Raj St James, aged 34, got more than they bargained for when store ownerFrancois Phuc Nguyen opened fire on the masked pair with an air rifle from behind a display stack of Red Bull energy drinks.

Hart-Holmes and St James are both enrolled in the Psychoanalytic Studies PhD program at the University of St Andrews.

Hart-Holmes, who is originally from Little Chalfont in Buckinghamshire, claimed the so-called “expropriation” was intended to raise funds for the publication of a collection of essays titled Dzerzhinsky with Lacan: Aporias in Post-Continental Theology of the Body

St James, who doctors say is luck to be alive after an air gun pellet lodged in his lacrimal bone, claimed the book would “revolutionize the masses in a way not seen since Professor Spivak published Thinking Academic Freedom in Gendered Post-Coloniality.”

“She is actually going to write an introduction to the collection,” he continued. “In our email discussions she praised the collections vitality, and was stuck, above all, but its absolute necessity.”

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